Blogging with Anxiety; My Current Struggles

Okay, so this is about to get ramble-y. So grab a cup of tea or glass of wine, or whatever you like before you settle in. I wrote this early this morning - committed to getting some things out onto the screen finally. Now hours later I'm even struggling posting this. Will anyone like it? Is it too rambly? Do I even convey what I want? Instead of struggling with this I'm having a "Fuck It, Send" moment instead.

I suppose I was around six or seven years old the first time I felt my insides screw up as tight as a twisted up rubber band and I just chose to stay silent and return to my room instead of facing what seemed to me to be an impossible situation and letting my true feelings be known.

I spent my entire life like this, just thinking that I was cowardly, the proverbial "chicken", I didn't like confrontation, I was too lazy to actually make changes. I had a million reasons why I was like that. It was not until I was almost 31 years old did I finally learn I have been living with General Anxiety Disorder my entire life. This came along with a multiple PTSD diagnosis.

So where does this leave me today? Well, a month ago I launched this blog, and a week after launch I purchased a shiny new desktop computer because this POS I'm typing on right now barely runs. Then, my phone was gone to the shop for repairs for a week, I had  wretched pain in my upper back for days upon it's return from sitting at a too small desk and I didn't work on my blog for two weeks. Then I wanted to get back to it, but I couldn't. Why?

Because what if? What if people think I'm no good at this? What if people think I can't do a good job because I disappeared for two weeks? What if, what ifwhatif. I ran myself into the ground with my what ifs. Well more correctly, my bed.

I originally started blogging as a personal journal for my feelings. And while I do hope to turn this into a viable alley for work, I think I need to focus on blogging for myself more than anything right now. I am horrific for putting so much pressure on myself. And I struggle with negative perfectionism. I will constantly bow out of projects before completing them, instead of facing criticism or having them not be perfect.

So this is me here, not bowing out. Coming back and trying again. And I'm going to keep trying, because if I don't I will never accomplish the things I dream of. So bear with me, I'm always here. And I'm on the hunt for a new computer desk and chair that I am comfortable working in.

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